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Записи с темой: eng (список заголовков)
14:20 

Water

Fear and panic in the air(c)
"So, did you really stayed on that shore?",- asks Q., the middle-aged man with long hazel hair. He is not the permanent member of our Team A, he just visits four of us from time to time. He prefers to talk with little D. He still doesn't know all the rules, but we forgive him these minor mistakes, as he is a really nice person.

"May I ask you not to mention this episode again, please?",- says P. She was the second one who joined our conversations in the white room. She appeared at the age of 14, a little bit broken because of the car accident. She's still a teenager, angry, shy, with low self-esteem. P.'s got tattoo wings all over her back, which she hides under the endless layers of clothes. Her favorite colors are green, purple and black. I like her and at the same time, I know how many troubles did she brought us into.

"I did. I'm sure"
To tell the truth, it's a small lie.

S., who is sitting in the cozy old armchair next to the bookcase, grins on it and nods me. The first time we met was a year ago and, surprisingly, he asked me to join us. He is strong and really, really smart, our good old (not really old) S.

Q. doesn't realize, how many times I've asked myself this question.

P and S know that from time to time I feel myself in the cold November waters of the Channel. The silence is all around me and I'm the temporary part of it. My arms are slightly behind the back, relaxed and useless, the knees hurt a little as I've been running for ages. The clothes are heavy and utterly exhausted; blue woolen coat wishes to rest on the sandy bottom, so it pulls me down, deeper and deeper, so slowly and so persistently.

I know, I didn't jump. I even didn't try to. Instead of it, I sat down on the rough wooden boards, I listened to the particular songs, looped inside of my head, as well as on the player.

Although, there are days when I doubt it. I doubt that several years of my life even exist.

Astonishing personal discovery is that despite the fact I'm afraid of such mood statement and I can't say I enjoy it, these days are not "bad days". They just happen on the afternoons when my fingers are frozen and the small marks look too noticeable.

@темы: Часы карманные, Анализирую, White Room, ENG

17:30 

Fear and panic in the air(c)
There are 144 unpublished drafts in this diary: some of them are just unfinished, some- far too personal, some aren't actual anymore. Also, I have 17 unreplied messages, unfinished chapters of thesis, a gap in questionary; what is more, my CV sucks and I must complete it in a couple of days.

Since December I'm trying to be easy-going, light and positive. I'm trying to live everyday with a clear thought that this day would never repeat. Sometimes it works.

Actually, tomorrow is a big day- tomorrow the lab will let us know about our future. It is like a highway and we are heading forward and in a kilometer we will see how far from destination are we.

All this thoughts are like in echo in the mind, a siren from a horror movie, one of those that are utterly annoying and creepy: KEEEEEEP GOOOOOING, KEEEEEEP GOOOOING, KEEEEEP...

I keep saying to everyone who asks me what am I gonna do after graduation/in 2 years/with my life in general: I do not make any plans anymore. I can try to pretend that I have some, but no hopes and fears; it does not mean live unorganized I bought the week-planer and fill in with the small notes- "University", "thesis", "wake up earlier", "sport". I'm trying to add some structure and order to this mess inside and outside, but I fail. The only battles I am able to win are the battles with myself- not less hard, but possible battles.

I keep driving on a highway and I don't know, how far am I now.




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@темы: ENG, Вязанные мотивы, Музыка, Часы карманные

00:46 

Vertigo

Fear and panic in the air(c)
In my opinion, "Sail" is a really great song and the one that suits me mostly among all of Awolation's. I've got a special list of such heart-beating explosive compositions (now it consists of just 4, but anyway).
This video is not the official one (in case of interest you can find it below), on the other hand, it's more professional and qualitive, and, well, it seems to be more suitable O_O
To clarify the voice discrepancy, originally "Sail" is perfomed by Aaron Bruno (he's a man :))

official version

@темы: Музыка, ENG

20:01 

.

Fear and panic in the air(c)
Sometimes the voice in my head screams very loud: "You, shut up and sing". I keep silence.
Sometimes it's something like "I just wanna go home. Please, please, please let me go home". I'm in my room.
Anyhow, one day I'll find that home and sing there and not only there. Anyhow, one day I'll dance not only behind closed doors or somewhere in heart of a crowd when there is nobody who I know. Anyhow, it's Friday, 14th, St.Petersburg, Russia, my name is Dona, I'm 21 years old.
Anyhow, there is no one acept me inside.
And seven devils all around me.
I don't feel anything. No reflections, no emotions, nothing. Really.
In the end, it doesn't even matter.



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@темы: Часы карманные, Музыка, ENG

20:25 

Day wasted

Fear and panic in the air(c)
Don't waste your time, or time will waste you.
It is rule. I always try not to spend the precious hours of the life- nobody know, maybe the life is the only one chance, given to us- for something utterly vain.
However, sometimes there is a need to stop. Need of oxigen, silence and rest.
I didn't go anywhere today. I overslept, skipped my driving lessons, skiped the swimming pool, library and any work. All day long I've been reading "Hunger games". 2 books per day- nice result. I missed it- not scientific and really easy literature without any of those hidden lays and, to tell the truth, a little bit stupid. Especially the last book. Oh, god, so "rich inner world!" And childness, and self-destruction=)
Anyway, the perfect way of having a rest for your mind and body. The perfect way to skip the falling down because of the brain that refuses to stop.
Nothing serious or aggressive :)

@музыка: And no music at all.

@темы: ENG, Анализирую, Зомби

18:02 

Like a hedgehog

Fear and panic in the air(c)
Foster the people, drums tracks, painkillers, umberto eco, coffee mixed with hot chocolate and milk, toefl texts about management and glaicers.
I'm enjoying a very productive raining friday.
Sudden thoughts, sudden poetry and not less sudden music.
Oh, and dreams again.
I'm gonna grab the cat and, possibly, extra scars in case of her bad mood and my careless "Tina, Tina, come here, I want to hug you!"


@темы: Часы карманные, ENG, внутреннее через не свое

21:20 

Saturday's orange

Fear and panic in the air(c)
I bought bright orange tights, talked to the girl from german courses and we made an agreement: in October we'll both come in men shirts and I personally would have a bow tie. Bow ties are cool!
I had a sudden flash of epithany: all my childhood I used to wear uniform and sometimes it seemed to be that the uniform dominates in everything. It is a real symbol of my bing untill I entered the Uni - that black-and-white costume. And right now I don't have any costumes in my wardrobe.
To tell the truth, I've got colourful tights, orange-plaid skirt, fantastic red and yellow boots, green trousers and blue hoodie. I faced with inner intention to be brighter in everything, to speak, to scream, express everything, and this turned my outlook to a little bit... punk, I guess. Or like those unformal and always drunk young boys and girls. I hardly ever drink anything alcoholic -e.g. a glass of wine in a couple of months. I have no need in being drunk to create something insane or unusual. Actually, I don't need any stimulator because of my mind struction- it is always on a fringe, it absorbs all the information it could get. My brain, as I think, got used to an Informational hunger since the schooltime ,it used to be in every minute of its existence, so that it just can't stop getting information now. However, lets get back to the main topic.
All this stuff if a compensation for my early growing up, for the official style, official behaviour, closed to the influence from anywhere soul.
Actually, I still don't care so much about the clothes, the style, et cetera, et cetera.
Alternatively, I feel the wind of change. Whole my body- inside and outside.
Thank you, the Misterious Stranger who opened my eyes. No more doubts and no more regrets take place in my life. That's enough.
I think, it's time to open myself. It's time to forget about permament shame.
Hello.
Maybe one day I'll also become independent of answers and I'll stop the Great Waiting Process.

@темы: ENG, Анализирую, Часы карманные, внутреннее через не свое

Feeling good

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